


in the absence of the sun

by rudderless in an ocean of stars (indelibly_ellie)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Bring tissues, F/F, Feels, Jess and Lena are bros af, Kara and Jess are concerned BFFs, Lena is going through some stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:00:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10979070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indelibly_ellie/pseuds/rudderless%20in%20an%20ocean%20of%20stars
Summary: It's the anniversary of the day Lena's mother died, and Kara opens up some old wounds when she digs into it.Kara's only trying to help, but the story of that night is more complicated than she knows.





	in the absence of the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies in advance for the angst-fest you are about to dive into.
> 
> Happy endings are never guaranteed.
> 
> TW for mild self-harm.

The sound of the gun going off in the alley is the second loudest thing Lena thinks she'll ever hear.

 

The first is the sound of her mother's scream.

 

The third is the sound of the sirens approaching, emergency responders too late to do anything but pull her away from her mother's body and herd her into the back of an ambulance.

 

The paramedics wrap heavy blankets around her shoulders and check her for injury. Finding no physical trauma, they allow her to sit on the edge of the gurney, peering through the open ambulance doors to watch the police cordon off the scene of her mother's murder.

 

The police officer who approaches her is a man well past his prime, with dark eyes set deep in his wrinkled face. He tries his best to smile at her kindly, but the expression turns out more like a grimace than anything else.

 

He leans down to speak to her with the kind of voice reserved for animals about to be put down, full of sadness and sympathy and fake cheer, as if that would soften the killing blow.

 

If Lena had been any other child, perhaps she might have believed him, even for a moment, before his words proved themselves false mere months later.

 

But Lena has never been like other children, and will spend the rest of her life equally set apart from her peers.

 

So when he opens his mouth and lets the words come pouring out, she does not believe a word he says.

 

* * *

 

For the first time since she's known her, Lena Luthor doesn't greet her with a smile.

 

"Kara." Lena doesn't even look up from papers on her desk, absentmindedly tracing the rim of a half-empty glass of scotch with her index finger. "It's nice to see you."

 

Kara can't help the awkward, nervous chuckle that slips out of her throat. "Are you sure about that? You don't look so happy to see me."

 

A flicker of a smile dances at the corners of the brunette's lips, but it's not enough to soothe the coil of worry twisting in Kara's stomach. 

 

She finally looks up from her desk to meet Kara's worried gaze, and frowns. "No, of course I'm thrilled to have you here. I just didn't expect to see you this morning." Her verdant eyes narrow in suspicion. "You mentioned having to report in early when we had dinner last night."

 

"I did, but you just seemed so upset last night that I thought I'd pop by and bring you something to cheer you up before work." Kara sets the bag of donuts she'd bought from the upscale bakery down on Lena's desk with a small flourish. "Your favorite- powdered chocolate creme."

 

It sinks in, just then, what's going on. Why Kara had gone through the trouble of getting pastries from her favorite shop, why Kara was here at all. 

 

And why her secretary had been acting so strangely ever since she came in this morning and poured herself the first of what would be many glasses of scotch.

 

"Jess told you, didn't she?"

 

Comfort food was something Kara only did when she knew for a _fact_ that someone was suffering. 

 

Kara had done the same thing after the media went wild over Lena's testimony against Lillian.

 

"I-" Kara gnaws on her bottom lip, cheeks flushing bright red with a mixture of shame and guilt. "Yeah. She did."

 

"I see." The sip of alcohol she takes does little to calm her fraying nerves. "And what, exactly, did she say?"

 

"Please don't punish her." Kara hangs her head in shame, blonde curls falling over the slope of her shoulder to curtain her face from view. "She was only trying to help. And I already knew you were upset about _something_ , I just-"

 

"You asked the one person who'd be sure to know what it was about." Lena's free hand clenched into a fist beneath the desk's smooth, polished surface, freshly manicured nails digging deep into the flesh of her palms. 

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Congratulations, Miss Danvers-" Kara flinches at the formal use of her name, but Lena continues in spite of the way her heart clenches at the sight of it. "You've become _quite_ the reporter."

 

"Lena-"

 

"Tell me." She can feel the way blood begins to well up beneath her nails as they cut into the skin beneath, and digs her nails in _deeper_. 

 

The pain is the only thing keeping the rest of her emotions at bay instead of drowning her in their depths and pulling her into the storm that howls deep inside her chest.

 

"Wh-what?" Had this been any other morning, any other day, any other circumstance, the reporter's anxious stutter would've made her heart skip a beat in her chest for very different reasons.

 

It takes everything she has to keep her voice from breaking, to keep _herself_ from breaking, under the bewildered scrutiny of Kara's sudden, lifted gaze. 

 

"Tell me what you know."

 

A whirlwind of emotions shines in the ocean of her sapphire eyes, but the one that burns brightest is concern, concern so _real_ and so _deep_ that it makes something withered and wounded inside Lena's chest begin to stir. 

 

Something she'd long-since thought dead and buried before Kara Danvers waltzed into her life with sunny smiles and twinkling eyes.

 

"It's the anniversary of your mother's death."

 

"And?"

 

Her voice drops to a whisper.

 

"It was violent."

 

"Did you know I watched?"

 

Stunned silence is the first response she gets from the ocean-eyed reporter sitting stock-still opposite her desk. By the time Kara gathers herself enough to reply, Lena's already managed to finish off her glass of scotch and pour another one.

 

"No, no... I didn't." Tears well up behind the frames of the glasses she raises a trembling hand to adjust. "I'm so _sorry_ , Lena."

 

"Do you know what it's like to be afraid of yourself?" She laughs, and the sound, absent of any mirth, sends shivers down the other woman's spine. "There's a darkness inside me, Kara. It's been there ever since the day I had to watch my mother bleed out in a dark alley, screaming for help that never came until it was too late."

 

"Lena, whatever's going on with you, however this is making you feel... I promise I can help."

 

Lena stiffens in her seat at the sound of Kara's words, echoes of a conversation long-since burned into her brain dragging her back to the past she's longed to forget every day since. 

 

_"Kiddo, I'll find the guy who did this, okay? I promise."_

 

When Lena speaks again, the voice that fills the room comes from the coldest parts of her soul.

 

"I don't believe in promises."

 

Her physics teacher had once taught the class about how neither cold nor darkness really existed. Both of these things did not occur on their own, but only in the absence of heat and light.

 

She thinks the same concept applies here.

 

Where Kara is the sun, Lena's home has always been in the shadows where light would never reach.

 

Getting closer to her would be dangerous. Getting closer to her would eradicate those shadows, erase the darkness that Lena has never really been able to live without, survive outside of.

 

Lena is prepared for a lot of things, has been ever since her brother nearly razed an entire city just to strike at one man. But the one thing she isn't prepared for is being pulled into the light after so many years of living in darkness.

 

So she does the one thing she does best.

 

She pulls away.

 

Lena pushes her chair back to stand, fingers clutching the glass in her hand so hard that her knuckles whiten as she makes her way to the balcony window. 

 

The tempest raging in the hollows of her soul tears at the very core of her being, sending razors of pain cutting down to the very marrow of her bones.

 

But as it has always been since the night her world was torn to pieces, she doesn't let it show.

 

"It was nice to see you, Miss Danvers, but if that's all you came here to say..."

 

"Lena..." 

 

A gulp of scotch keeps her from caving at the pleading, desperate tone in Kara's voice.

 

"Just leave." Another drink. " _Please_."

 

The sound of the door closing behind her allows Lena's chest to loosen just enough to release the breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.

 

She looks down at her free hand, crescent cuts across her palm still oozing blood as she stares.

 

A timid knock announces Jess' entrance, and Lena looks up just in time to see her secretary's shoulders slump.

 

"Miss Luthor?" The wobble in her voice makes the last vestiges of her earlier anger crumble into nothing. "I'm sorry."

 

"It's fine, Jess. Just cancel the rest of my meetings for the day and call the car around, will you?"

 

"Already done, Miss Luthor."

 

"Thank you."

 

Jess pulls the door closed behind her, leaving Lena alone in her office once more.

 

She makes her way to the couch on shaky legs, sagging into the cushions with a tired sigh as she finishes off the glass of scotch and sets it down onto the floor. 

 

Flexing her injured hand, Lena raises it for inspection as she leans back to lie down on the couch's plush surface. 

 

Blood and pain.

 

The two constants of Lena's life.

 

She wonders if this will ever change.

 

Closing her eyes, she thinks back to Kara's sunny smiles and twinkling eyes. Two constants whose only price was for Lena to finally step out of the shadows and allow some light into her life. 

 

She wishes she could be strong enough to pay it.

 

She hopes that one day, she will. 

 

But Lena Luthor would live out the rest of her days in darkness if it means she'll never be able to taint Kara's light with her family's sins, so she knows it's far more likely that she _won't_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I wrote this because Lena seems like the kind of person who just can't accept happiness well. She's been so damaged by years of abuse that she's afraid it's tainted her, and she doesn't want Kara to have to deal with 'damaged goods'. She's such a wonderful character to watch, and for me, such an easy character to get into her headspace to write, but there's no denying she's got a painful history to overcome before she can get to a place where she'll be able to open up to the possibility of getting a happy ending.
> 
> Kara seems like just the kind of character who won't be deterred by those walls, which is why I ship it so hard.
> 
> I hope this fic did Lena and Kara justice. :)
> 
> Leave a review, hug a Luthor. (The good one.)


End file.
